4th April 2026

art and meaning

couple weeks back, as any girl who grew up in the midst of the 2000s pop punk/emo boom would maybe do, i re-listened to panic! at the discos denver performance. during this particular re-listen, a weird feeling grew inside me. growing more and more as i listened along to a band that i slowly feel out of love with in my late-teens and early 20s. but yet this album, this live show. it was doing something to me in this moment, in this time.

but like, why? its just a live show album! just a collection of songs they performed twenty odd years ago almost. what am i trying to say, what does any of this vague writing mean. why do i care so much about this! because its comfort damn it. its such a specific point in panic history, music history, alt music history, 2000s history, emo history. its everything and nothing at once. a moment for a culture that crashed and burned just like the band itself, unless you drove a 2008 chevy impala to walmart every saturday afternoon and turned on top 100 radio station and heard brandon urie talk about high hopes or saturday night. its a pinpoint moment that feels like a warm hug from a friend who left an impact on you you never quite understood till you got older, separated for a little bit, but still found each other when you needed each other most.

it was a friend at 11 years old, when i drugging through youtube search results to find the most crusty, 240p uploads of the live show just to hear and see a bunch of dudes playing music that made you feel welcomed into something that felt unwelcoming at home. a place you could actually be yourself and not judged by the ideal world thrown upon you by a school, a town, a family, a world that wanted to shove you into boxes and led you down the "good ol white christian boy" path. it was rebellious to a 11 year old. to go against the ideal world people wanted for you. itll sound a little childish when you say it back, but what else did you expect when talking about what art meant to you as a kid. art can be an avenue for kids to find meaning and comfort in the struggle of their pre-teens. art can be a home when the one we call doesn't feel like.

and then you find it years later, still a friend at 25, that same warm hug from years ago found its way back around you. its different now. youve grown, youve changed, you have become the you youve wanted to be. but inside, you are still that 11 year old kid who wanted that same warm hug. that acceptance you finally found in those years in-between. she isnt gone, shes still there. and you want her to be just as happy and loved as you are now.

nostalgia is a bullshit term but even i cant deny there is something about the art of our olden times. art is a beautiful, chaotic, messy thing that never loses its meaning in the passage of time. a live show from two decades ago by a pop punk emo band can mean something to you then and you now. dont let the clouds of judgement impact it. you didnt want them to back then, why let them now! art is art is art its home its safety its comfort its joy its love its chaos its a reminder of the good in our lives then and now, its a sign of the good in the future, its a reminder of who you can let yourself be and by god dont let anything fucking stop you from that. this is a mess but when isnt art and love a mess. its up for you to figure out to make it just as beautiful as you know it can be

fuck you brandon urie. thanks for making pretty odd you ugly bitch. love you.