the art we make is a reflection of ourselves. the beauty and the gross. the hope and the pain. never let your art be anything less than the stories you feel are worth telling again and again.

art and meaning

but like, why? its just a live show album! just a collection of songs they performed twenty odd years ago almost. what am i trying to say, what does any of this vague writing mean. why do i care so much about this! because its comfort damn it. its such a specific point in panic history, music history, alt music history, 2000s history, emo history. its everything and nothing at once. a moment for a culture that crashed and burned just like the band itself, unless you drove a 2008 chevy impala to walmart every saturday afternoon and turned on top 100 radio station and heard brandon urie talk about high hopes or saturday night. its a pinpoint moment that feels like a warm hug from a friend who left an impact on you you never quite understood till you got older, separated for a little bit, but still found each other when you needed each other most. 

it was a friend at 11 years old, when i drugging through youtube search results to find the most crusty, 240p uploads of the live show just to hear and see a bunch of dudes playing music that made you feel welcomed into something that felt unwelcoming at home. a place you could actually be yourself and not judged by the ideal world thrown upon you by a school, a town, a family, a world that wanted to shove you into boxes and led you down the "good ol white christian boy" path. it was rebellious to a 11 year old. to go against the ideal world people wanted for you. itll sound a little childish when you say it back, but what else did you expect when talking about what art meant to you as a kid. art can be an avenue for kids to find meaning and comfort in the struggle of their pre-teens. art can be a home when the one we call doesn't feel like.

and then you find it years later, still a friend at 25, that same warm hug from years ago found its way back around you. its different now. youve grown, youve changed, you have become the you youve wanted to be. but inside, you are still that 11 year old kid who wanted that same warm hug. that acceptance you finally found in those years in-between. she isnt gone, shes still there. and you want her to be just as happy and loved as you are now. 

nostalgia is a bullshit term but even i cant deny there is something about the art of our olden times. art is a beautiful, chaotic, messy thing that never loses its meaning in the passage of time. a live show from two decades ago by a pop punk emo band can mean something to you then and you now. dont let the clouds of judgement impact it. you didnt want them to back then, why let them now! art is art is art its home its safety its comfort its joy its love its chaos its a reminder of the good in our lives then and now, its a sign of the good in the future, its a reminder of who you can let yourself be and by god dont let anything fucking stop you from that. this is a mess but when isnt art and love a mess. its up for you to figure out to make it just as beautiful as you know it can be

fuck you brandon urie. thanks for making pretty odd you ugly bitch. love you.

waves

the years of being lost in a sea, made by those who controlled it's waves. years and years spent struggling against its current, having to adapt to its nature.

after years and years you finally found how to control the waves. to match the feelings you kept deep inside. how you wanted to control the waves, but couldn't. the water become calm.

you looked into the now calm waters that rested below you. you saw a woman starring back. the woman that was inside you this whole time.

for once, everything in your life felt normal. for once, life felt calm.

meaning (vent piece)

you spell out these words every night to a world that will die on them

die on your actions. die on the idea of what you provide

you say you provide a space to all

for those to feel found and loved

but what does it say

to those who see and hear the words you preach

and dont feel the meaning behind your words

you look them in the eye the same way you look at others

but your words fall flat to their ears

because they know what you truly mean 

when forced to put those words into action

you only play to the crowd that chants for you

and not for the crowd that sees through you

you know they see through the facade

that your words dont meet the actions you take

you think you are hidden

you think are perfect

but its on display every single day

your words haven't meet the actions since october

how much longer do you wanna keep the facade up

till the world falls apart

or till you fall apart

the truth will find its way some day

and those who listen along will finally realize 

what you truly meant when you said those things

face the music now

or the world will force you to

night sky

and just look up at the night sky above me

become lost in the stars that dot the endless dark sea

the stars remind me of the past

a past filled with memories i can never get back

a past filled with empty promises and broken hearts

a past filled with the ideal nostalgia of a life i wished i live

a past that died years ago, but can still be seen

the stars remind of the present

how some stars bright only dimly against that dark sea

while next to the stars that shine so bright they could light up the world

they coexist in that same world, supporting each other in a sky

working together as one as to make something beautiful 

the stars remind me of the future

a future unknown

a future waiting to be created, waiting to find us at the right time

a future that can be bright

a future that can be dark

a future not explored alone

the stars remind me im not alone

we all find points in our lives we get lost in dark seas

trying to shine brightly again

but we aren't alone

we find our stars in our lives

we travel across the dark sea

sometimes in dim light, and sometimes as bright as the moon

finding love, hope, and serenity amongst it all

i hope one day we get to dance below these stars

show them how we grow from our past

show them how we have embraced our present

show them how we want to live for a future

a future where we get to be together as one